Why Should Husbands Become PUAs?

Because otherwise, your wife will talk like the wives on the blog My Husband Is Annoying.  Is that how you want her to feel about you, and talk about you to her friends?  Or do you want to be the ever-entertaining, still slightly mysterious, exciting yet dependable center of her world?

The Betting Man

Whenever he suggests a bet, the stakes are always the same: sex or some form of sexual activity.  For the sake of all involved, I won’t go into details.  But for all the women out there, you know what I’m talking about, right?  It’s never a wager for money or for who’s going to do the dishes or for who’s going to walk the dog(s) in the rainy cold.

And no matter how healthy a couple’s sex life may be, the man will stillmake the stakes of a bet about sex.  For example:

Man: Wanna make a bet on the football game?

Woman: Sure, why not?  What do you want to bet for?

Man [with that look in his eyes that pretty much just says it all]: Oh, I don’t know…got anything in mind?

[And then this is when the man tries to get all coy in the  hopes that the woman will pick up on the suggestive tone and say it herself for some reason.]

Yup, I know I’m generalizing here.  And maybe it’s just my husband that does this on a regular basis though womehow, I don’t think so.  But believe me, the next time the subject of betting comes up, you can put money on the fact that if he loses, I’ll be making him do the dishes…no sexual favors necessary.

Mistake: if you want a sexual bet, and your wife is not the type to pick one, then “got anything in mind” comes off as pathetic passive-aggressive subservience.  If you want something, take the lead!

Where’s My Baby?

my husband has a habit of asking where I am even when it’s clear I’m right in the next room.  I’ve gotten used to this and there are times I even find it kind of endearing.  He’d often say, “Where’s my baby?” and I guess I was expected to reply, “I’m in the kitchen” or some such thing.   (I’m aware this line of questioning would make much more sense if we lived in a large, multi-story house but seems fairly ridiculous in a 500 square foot 1 bedroom apartment.  Still, I do occasionally like to humor my husband.)

But lately the conversation goes more like this:

Husband: Where’s my baby?

Me: I’m in the kitchen, getting a snack. [This is most often where I am and what I'm doing.  I probably spend the majority of my time at home in the kitchen getting snacks.]

Husband: No, my baby.

You see, I guess I’m no longer his baby.  I’m now just the person carrying his baby.  And I seem to have lost my name, too.

Ok, if you have a special term of endearment for your wife which has established a history, don’t suddenly start using it for someone else in her presence!  This is just common sense.

Garbage Wars, Part II

In our kitchen we have a smallish white trash can. When my husband Bill has an item that is too big to fit in the trash can, such as a pizza box or his “Silk” soy milk cartons (shown in the photo), he will set it BESIDE the trash can instead of just taking the thing to the outside garbage bin, which is literally only 16 footsteps from the kitchen trash can! 16 steps. I walked the distance to check.

Ok, if your wife needs to measure the number of steps for a chore she wants you to do, you got problems.  Could be that when she complains, you argue or ignore her, so she isn’t feeling heard.  Could be she doesn’t feel supported in the relationship, and this chore has become the touchpoint for how she wants you to do more.  Could be that you don’t appreciate her enough for her maintenance of a nice domestic environment, and damned if she’s gonna throw out your trash if you don’t appreciate it.  I dunno – but it’s a yellow flag for sure.

If that’s not enough to inspire you to go work on your inner game, check out their Photo Friday, where wives post pictures of their “pathetic husbands”. When keeping a long-term relationship working smoothly, time is your enemy, both time in the relationship, and absolute time as societal changes weaken marriage:

according to the National Marriage Project’s latest report, their discontent is growing: fewer than 60 percent of wives report that they are “very happy” in their marriages, in contrast to more than 66 percent in 1973. (Male marital happiness has declined, too: from 70 percent to 63 percent.)

So learn some skills, or risk becoming pathetic.

The Paradox of Beta-ization

(A guest post by Vlad the Impaler)

Patri wrote in “Game Matters In Marriage Too“:

it should be clear that women look for more provider (beta!) characteristics in LTRs and more alpha characteristics in STRs.

I am not going to address the dangers of lumping all women together and making sweeping  generalizations about their mating strategy, neither I am going to discuss those (quite numerous) women who intentionally seek pliant beta providers for husbands.

Instead I am going to approach this statement from an unexpected angle by examining  a near-universal, but little appreciated phenomenon of “betaization” (the term coined by a  PUA Franco).

What is  “betaization”?  Here it is:  a woman mates with  a masculine Lover type to whom she is attracted, they stay together and  have passion for each other,  but gradually, little-by-little, she starts trying to transform him into a beta-behaving Provider. As she slowly succeeds, her respect and sexual attraction for him start waning. It is a very familiar scenario – a story of Dave from Hawaii (before his transformation), as well as of countless other men.

If this scenario is allowed to play out to its extreme, the participants end up as  a dysfunctional sexless couple of a clueless submissive provider husband who is continuously being pecked by his shrill frustrated wife. At this point there is a high probability that she will leave him or will cheat on him if another Lover will become available to her. Even if there is no eligible Lover at the moment, she might  choose to end the relationship with her now-despised  man  but  keep using him as her provider via alimony and child support. Not a pretty picture.

At first sight, it is a paradox: if the woman  wanted a beta-like Provider, why didn’t she choose one to begin with? And if she wanted a alpha-like Lover, why would she try to betaize  him, killing her own attraction in the process? It just does not make sense from the POV of our Male Logic.

However, there is a simple explanation to to this seeming paradox. Women are attracted to alpha-behaving Lovers because they possess superior genes (and often superior resources as well). The problem for a Lover’s  mate  that her position is inherently insecure – an untamed Lover might just leave her and go on sexing other women, he might not  invest his resources in her and her progeny, etc. He has lots of options and she has lots of female competition looking to poach him.

So the truth is that the “right” strategy for a woman would be to snag an alpha-Lover and then “betaize” him  so that he stays with her and invests his resources in her and her children.

Most PUA’s view betaization as an evil plot that has to be resisted by all means. I, however, see it in a more benign way: without a CERTAIN MEASURE of betaization stable LTR’s (foundation of human civilization) would not be possible. “Betaization” only becomes destructive if it is allowed to proceed to the point of loss of man’s alpha traits, while stable and happy LTR exists in that “sweet spot” when the man is betaized enough to stay in LTR and invest his resources in it, but still alpha enough to command woman’s respect and attraction. This  “sweet spot” is the result of dynamic tension between woman’s betaization attempts and  countervailing force of man’s desire to maintain his alphaness. Outside of this sweet spot the LTR is either not stable, not happy, or both.

So, for a man, what would the practical applications of Betaization Paradox ? There are a few:

1. Your woman WILL try to betaize you, so do not take it personally and do not take offence when it happens  – it is not a result of her bad will or some evil feminist conspiracy – it is just her evolutionary program running.
2. Do not count on her stopping her betaization attempts at the “sweet spot” – her evolutionary program will make her pull incessantly  in  beta direction. Do not abdicate your responsibility as a man – it takes two people pulling in opposite directions to stay in the sweet spot. Maintain your alpha frame. This tension between two countervailing forces will also make your relationship more exciting.
3. View  her betaization attempts as tests. She is indeed testing you -  testing whether you are still alpha enough to keep having sex with you. Do not give in to the temptation to just  yield for the sake of peace – if you yield without resistance, you failed the test and weakened her attraction to you. You will have not  “peace”, but another test, harder than the first..View it instead as an opportunity to show your alphaness. Passing the test will increase her attraction to you.

Discussion welcome.

How to Own Your Relationship

Journal cross-posted from my Life Coaching Blog

Jason was having problems with his girlfriend.  He wanted her attention, but she didn’t feel she had the energy to give him more of her attention, and she told him that he was annoying her when he requested more of her time.

He came to coaching wanting to figure out how to not annoy her.  What I told him is that this already puts him behind the 8 ball.

“You don’t want to not-annoy her, you want to attract her!”

This reframe helped a lot.  Because he’s now coming from a place of feeling empowered to change his situation, he’s able to empathize with her about how she really cares about the relationship, and that she is trying to make things work.  From this new perspective, he feels that he’s able to contribute to work on the relationship with her together, instead of just working to get her attention.

Jason’s coaching homework is to watch Authentic Man Program videos to help him work on his inner game.

Shannon Friedman blogs about life coaching at Starry Night Coaching.

OKCupid Stats Validate Indirect Opener For Guys

This has nothing to do w/ LTRs, but it’s a cool bit of pickup science.  The dating site OKCupid has a blog called OKTrends which consists of statistical research using their data.  For example, they’ve posted about how race and attractiveness affects reply rates.

Their latest post is on profile pictures, and among lots of other interesting data, includes:

Here we see that for women, making eye contact and flirting or smiling is best.  But while smiling is good whether or not you make eye contact, flirting actually becomes bad if you don’t make eye contact.  As the blog post says, “Certain social etiquettes apply even online: if you’re going to be making eyes at someone, it should be with the person looking at your picture.”

For men, however, the case is quite different:

The best thing a guy can do in his profile pic is to not make eye contact – and ideally, to not smile.  This matches the game concept of the indirect opener – women will get creeped out if you come on too directly during initial contact.  They want to start slow and social, which is why you build comfort before you build attraction.

Again, not relevant in an LTR, where you can just be direct, but it’s interesting research.  And the OKStats post has more graphs on the effectiveness of female cleavage shots, men showing abs, and lots more.

Game Matters In Marriage Too

Ulysses at Hidden Leaves writes:

Somewhere along the way, after I had squandered many opportunities for highly desirable pussy, I realized that girls don’t want an equal who cries with them, understands them, and can’t change a tire. Girls want a man.

As a married man, common knowledge says that this wisdom is useless for me. The married man has settled down and has no use for raw unspoiled manliness. This is another lie. Wives want a man more than the feminist you bullshitted back to the squalid apartment you shared with a fellow beer-swilling enlightened would-be misanthrope want a man. The feminist can detest you in the morning and life moves on. If your wife detests you, life still moves on, but it moves in a really fucked direction.

I don’t buy the thesis, but there is a valid and important point in there.  I don’t buy that wives want a man more than a single girl in a one-night-stand.  If you just think of the provider / alpha dichotomy, it should be clear that women look for more provider (beta!) characteristics in LTRs and more alpha characteristics in STRs.

But I like his point that the long-term consequences of beta-ness in LTRs are bad.  A single beta guy just doesn’t get laid very often.  A married beta guy risks having the closest person in his life lose respect for him and going into a self-reinforcing spiral of failure.  Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that you don’t need game.  If your wife views you as a mere provider, your relationship will lack passion and excitement, and in the long-term, that’s going to make your LTR less enjoyable, as will as increasing the chance that one party will stray, and the chance of a breakup.  If your wife doesn’t see you as a strong, exciting man, you have a problem – especially while she’s ovulating.

Be A Gentleman

One of the unfortunate things that life experience teaches us is that guys who are Assholes can be very attractive to women.  It often takes people a long time to realize this, because they don’t want it to be true, but burying your head in the head never helps.  It is clear that many women, particularly very attractive ones (seeking high-status mates), are drawn to Assholes.  As Obsidian says in his fabulous post: Nice Guys CAN Finish First-IF They Have GAME:

Every Man reading this has seen, with his own eyes, Women falling head over heels for the Jerk, the Cad, the Asshole-they care not one whit for their feelings, nor bodies, and use and abuse them-only for the Women to come back for more and more. Often, it takes years for the Women involved to wakeup and smell the coffee. In the meantime, the Nice Guys get…the hand. Theirs.

But we need not despair!  Some people see Game as a systemization of Assholery, and indeed in some incarnations (cough-Roissy-cough) it can be.  But it does not have to be.  True knowledge about how the world works is always useful, and it can be used for good as well as evil.  For those of us who want to be strong and attractive without being Assholes, the systemization of Alpha Assholery is just what we need to figure out which parts to keep and which to flush down the toilet to the fetid sewer where they belong.

Our goal is to steer a careful route between the Scylla of Chumpness and the Charybdis of Assholery in order to be A Gentleman.  Because no one wants to be a Chump, and whether or not Assholery can lead to a happy life in the world of recreational dating and banging (I tend to think it will slowly destroy your soul, but I could be wrong), it is totally incompatible with deep, loving, intimate Long-Term Relationships.  So, let’s learn how to be a Gentleman:

The number one reason why Nice Guys finish last isn’t because they supplicate themselves (although that IS a factor, no doubt), are passive (again, another important factor), or are doormats (yet another factor), but because they’ve never been taught the difference between being a Gentleman, and being a Chump.  There’s a huge, huge difference.

A Chump is all of the things I’ve just mentioned above-a lilly livered emotional tampon to Women, who never stands up for himself and lets Women run all over him. …

A Gentleman, on the other hand, is one who has made a conscious choice to develop himself in as many ways as possible-mentally, spiritually, physically, socially, economically, etc. He may be more successful in some areas than others, but he is always seeking to improve himself, even if that only means in small ways. Gentlemen take the high road, not because they hope it will get them the girl, but because it’s a statement about them as Men.

Note the connection to Inner Game, which I am a big advocate of.  Assholes use Outer Game to manipulate women so as to project the appearance of strength, while a Gentleman uses Inner Game to develop the reality of strength.  (Chumps use neither).  As Obsidian says: “it is the suite of character traits that a Man has acquired throughout Life, that makes him into a Gentleman, IF he learns to see things in their proper perspective.”

If you thought Game was about clever openers and triggering female insecurities, think again.  It also involves Character and Attitude – long-time valued virtues that have been forgotten in the modern world in favor of crap like Diversity and Equality.  In fact, Obsidian gets downright Stoic in his philosophy:

Most Men blame themselves when they see a gal going hard for a socalled Alpha Asshole Male. This is natural and to be expected. But a Gentleman understands, that actually, such a Woman is to be pitied, on two counts-she’s missed out on a truly good thing, and she’s signalled that *she is not worthy of a Gentleman’s time*. It is not what happens to you in Life that defines you, but *how you respond* that makes the difference. The difference between the angry fellows throughout the Manosphere and the Gentlemen of the World, is that they see what happens to and around them in completely different ways, which then leads to them responding in totally different ways. Simply put, it takes a strong Man of character to resist catering to the lowest common denominator in the name of sex or even relationship; a Man who does is rarely a fulfilled or happy one, to say nothing of principled.

To thine own self be true.  Even when Assholery works, you should be a Gentleman anyway – because it is the true expression of Manliness.  It will be better for you, and better for romance.  If you are seeking an LTR, it’s better because you want the women who choose Gentleman over Assholes.  If you are in an LTR, well, Assholes may keep partners effectively, but they do it through behavior that borders on emotional abuse.  It may help a needy, pathetic, spiteful Asshole forget the emptiness inside him, but it will never make him truly happy.

More Game, Less Terrorism?

Wired magazine breaks the story on the Nigerian Pantsbomber’s 310 internet message board posts to gawaher.com:

Basically, the problem I’m having is that I’ve been having extreme loneliness…for many years. I don’t really know what to do because I’m not the type who likes to go out much, and I’m just shy and quiet. Even on the internet, I don’t feel comfortable posting much because it exposes myself. Sometimes people are so mean.

So I’m trying to figure out what to do. I just wish I had someone to give me attention and stuff. I wish I had someone who would be there to listen to me, and always be nice to me. It really hurts to have someone neglect me or be mean. Unfortunately, a weakness of mine is that I’m sensitive, but I think I became more sensitive after something bad happened some years ago.

I wish I had at least one nice person to talk to, maybe over e-mail or Messenger. Of course, if I could find someone to marry, then Insha’Allah I would have someone in real life to give me all the attention and affection I wanted. So far, the families we’ve met aren’t interested in me, though.

Scott Adams blames terrorism on the hot weather, but maybe we should blame it on lack of game?  One of the standard explanations for the institution of marital monogamy is that it benefits society by reducing the number of single, low-status men, who are much more likely to be criminals.  The pantsbomber incident is a classic example of the connection between sociopathic crime and sexual frustration.

Relationships are good for men: being in a relationship, or even having the hope of one, helps a man think of the future, society, and the long-term, rather than striking out in anger.  I know for myself, while anger was never my own vice (I preferred sloth, selfishness and self-destruction), marriage and fatherhood have had enormous positive effects on my orientation toward the long-term and being a productive member of society.

Let us never forget that LTRs are a powerful switch for socialization, and that one of the many things we are fighting for here is less terrorism.

Dave From Hawaii Responds

Dave From Hawaii has politely declined an invitation to blog here, as he is too busy (which I can certainly understand!).  But he has posted a long reply about his use of game in his marriage, defending himself against some of the commenters here.  He also responded in the comments to our original post – feel free to mix it up in either place! 

Highlight from his intro:

For lack of a better term, studying “game” (which is what I referred to previously as “taking the red pill“), gave me insight into what behaviors and attitudes were attractive to a woman’s hypergamous instincts and what behaviors and actions were repellent to that same instinct. Once I stopped the repellent behaviors and incorporated the attractive behaviors, I guess you could say I DID become an “alpha” — for my wife, within the bounds of our marriage.

But other than that, my previous use of the term “beta” and “beta-ization” has nothing to do with claiming to be some kind of “Alpha” or a “PUA” that could have women eating out of the palm of my hand.

I AM NOT A PUA.

I’ve been married 12 years now. I love my wife more than my own life. We have made a family together, and I am determined to raise my own children to benefit from the knowledge that I had gained from making all of the mistakes I hope to help them avoid when they grow up. If I am any label, I would proudly wear that of PATRIARCH. That is what I aspire to, and what I believe I now fully live up to.

I DO NOT “CONTROL” OR “INTIMIDATE” OR “MANIPULATE” MY WIFE.

On the contrary, the only real difference studying “GAME” has given me, was to learn the most important lesson of all: Do not let your wife’s emotional state control, manipulate or intimidate YOU.

Amen!  If I could summarize the purpose of this blog in one sentence, I would say: “Understanding human sexual dynamics is not just useful for becoming a master player – it can also help us become better husbands and fathers”.

Those of you who believe that with us will grow and learn and help keep the fire of romance and sexual attraction alive in the long-term relationships that we’ve happily chosen, in defiance of misogynists like Roissy who say no man should ever get married.  The rest will “stay true to themselves” and, at best come to think in 5 years that sex once a month is normal, and at worst see their woman rosy-cheeked and dewy-eyed with a man who gives them more than just the default schlub of their personality.

This herein marks the end of the stage of this blog where we argue for what we are doing.  From hereon out, we will focus on ideas you can implement in your relationships – like Dave’s “Do not let your wife’s emotional state control, manipulate or intimidate YOU.”  Everyone else can lounge in envy of the sparks that fly in game-sensitive LTRs while their own “just doesn’t seem as fun as they used to”.

Girl Game on the fallacy of “Just Be Yourself”

The excellent blog Girl Game has some thoughts on the question of whether game is manipulative:

There is a visceral revulsion for the word ‘Game’ applied to the field of romance. It is clinical, superficial, violating the sanctity of love and, more importantly, essentially implying being manipulative and dishonest: playing with people’s feelings. That is the association people have with the word ‘Game’.

This association is also a ridiculous emotional reaction based on little digestion of the actual content of Game and how it is applied. Ladies and gentlemen, love is a Game I take with deadly seriousness. Talking about the Game of Love is akin to talking about the Game of War: we study the rules, the words, the actions. We try to understand how to best express and apply our intents from those that have come and erred before us. We attempt to steer clear of the mistakes others have made, emulate the successes others have had. We try to understand how to be the best lovers, the best warriors. How to recognise then ameliorate our weaknesses and develop our strengths. That you love someone and that your intention is to love them does not necessarily mean you know how to be loveable or, more importantly yet, best demonstrate your love itself; Game encapsulates the study of this.

It is learning the Art of Loving as well as the Art of War. Game on its own is a tool of self-development that essentially tells you this: it is okay to consciously act in order to enhance your sexual attractiveness. It does not do much for you in a vacuum where you do not constantly develop yourself overall: from your intellect to your spirituality to your contentment with and interest in a healthy, interesting, fulfilling and moral life. Critics often address it as such, disregarding the complexity of the human being applying it. Game is one of the tools that allows you to turn the uncut marble into a masterpiece; it does not work well without a solid, inner foundation.

They also criticize the idea that honesty is a simple higher truth that is always correct to act on:

Being honest can be a shorthand for excusing behaviours that are hurtful or selfish in their nature. It can be used to insult or shame. It can be used to nag or fight. It can be used to express thinly disguised contempt. It can be used to provoke a reaction and to seek attention. It can be used to remain angry when it is not needed.

Think before you speak. Sometimes you do need to forget your immediate feeling and your immediate honest impulse. Sometimes you do need to overcome your own shortcomings and choose which of the complicated mesh of feelings you are going to express or, at least, choose which priority where your actions will originate from. If a loved one is in pain and acts reflexively to it, you need to be the one who remembers what is more important (your relationship) and despite your own honest feelings at the same time: fake it.

Lots more at the original post, including many interesting comments.

ABC: Always Be Connecting

Often, this blog will emphasize the connection between traditional PUA techniques (Game for STRs) and techniques that can provide benefit in LTRs.  But that does not mean we think all elements of Game should blindly be applied in relationships.  Far from it, one of the many reasons to start this blog was my distaste for many aspects of conventional game, and it would be irresponsible of me to recommend this field without pointing out the times when standard PUA advice is harmful to LTRs.

So I’ll start with an easy one: One of the many mantras of traditional PUA is “Always Be Closing”, from Glengarry Glenn Ross:

Cold approach pickup in a club for an STR is like the high-pressure sales environment in the clip, and Always Be Closing makes a lot of sense in a competitive environment where quick results are valued over deep connections.

But an LTR, or the search for an LTR, are a very different environment.  There’s the occasional instant attraction that blossoms into an LTR (“true love” of sorts), but it’s more likely that quick makes for shallow.  After all, if you’re trying to close everyone you meet, then by definition you aren’t being very selective.  You will maximize quantity and thus sacrifice quality (it’s mathematically impossible to maximize for both simultaneously), and thus be choosing a strategy which reduces your odds of the deep connection which comes from finding someone truly compatible.

This is true for signaling reasons as well as strategic ones – women are brilliant readers of the signals, implications, and meta-messages of our communication.  A guy who’s Always Closing is most likely to find a woman who wants an STR.  If you’re searching for an LTR, consider an alternate ABC: Always Be Connecting.  Find shared values, create fewer, deeper relationships, and be more genuine, showing your authentic self rather than whatever will get her into bed.

But don’t forget about closing entirely!  Without progressing the level of intimacy in a relationship, you’ll never get to an LTR, and while that progression sometimes happens spontaneously, sometimes it doesn’t.  This is especially true for more traditional women who want the man to take the initiative.  Not all women are like this (and god bless those that aren’t!), but if you want a traditional woman, you need to be a traditional man, and learn to Close when the time is right.